


Hard Not To Fall

by AnotherAnonymousAuthor



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: Beginning AU, F/F, High School, Sort Of, Trigger Warning: indication of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-07-20 06:04:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 42
Words: 18,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19987342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherAnonymousAuthor/pseuds/AnotherAnonymousAuthor
Summary: The first time it happens, it's three and a half weeks into freshman year at James Madison.The expectation of straight A's, cheerleading three times a week plus games, debate club practice, student council meetings, church and being the perfect daughter was a lot of pressure for a fourteen year old.But there was Emma Nolan kneeling in front of her in the empty hallway offering a paper bag for her to hyperventilate into.Alyssa spends the four years of hell that are high school trying so hard not to fall from the top of the pedestal she somehow found herself on top of, and fighting herself as she tried so hard not to fall in love.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from 'Talk in the Morning' by Danny Jones.
> 
> Some chapters are long, some chapters are short.
> 
> Warning: There are references to child abuse themes but nothing heavily depicted.
> 
> Disclaimer: I have no understanding of Christianity or American High Schools or the concept of summer camp as I am not associated with a religion myself and I'm from Australia. I mean no hate towards religion and if I reference anything that is either a-incorrect about said religion or b-offensive to anyone who has religious beliefs, I do apologise as it was not intended. I have no malice towards religion. Love Thy Neighbour, folks!

The first time it happened was three and a half weeks into freshman year.

It took two student council meetings and cheerleading tryouts and having to start practice three times a week and joining the debate club because that was what her mother wanted and all of it would look good on her college applications for the first spell of anxiety to hit her.

Alyssa walked through the newly familiar halls of James Madison High School after classes, the last of her classmates having left in favour of the weekend. Cheerleading practice and forgetting her biology text book in her locker had held her back.

The weather was still nice enough that she could walk home for half an hour of peace before her mother gets home.

Her locker was down near the music rooms on the opposite side of campus from the gym, and the track. Some days, she had noticed that other students had music lessons after classes and she would be able to hear the faint keys of a piano or the gentle strum of a guitar.

Slamming her locker door shut, ready to do as little as she could over the weekend and making a list for what felt like the hundredth time of what she actually had to do, she felt out of breath.

Finish reading _What’s Eating Gilbert Grape_ for English by Monday.

And polish off the paper that went with it, also due Monday.

That stack of Algebra problems Nick had managed to get for everyone for talking back in class, due first thing Monday morning after homeroom.

The Biology work book pages that made absolutely no sense, to be completed by Tuesday.

Those Chemistry worksheets that were due Wednesday.

Get started on researching the paper for History. That wasn’t due for three more weeks.

Work through those composition problems for French. Those were definitely due Monday afternoon.

Start working on her arguments for debate club. Her first argument was on Thursday but she still had to attend on Tuesday.

Finish those minutes for the Student Council meeting they had had during study hall the day before.

Go for a run.

Go to Church.

And to the weekly after-Church lunch.

Make sure her new uniform was cleaned properly for the pep-rally.

Get to Shelby’s birthday party Saturday afternoon.

She was carrying her cheerleading bag and her back pack, her body sore from new routines and being hunched over her desk trying to finish an English paper.

She had been nervous about starting high school. Sure, she had her friends and a slew of new extra-curricular’s to keep her busy. But with the heavier course load and all of her time taken up by activities came pressure.

Pressure from her teachers to understand the lessons that were being taught, and to score well on tests and get good grades on papers.

Pressure from her friends to get in with the popular kids, and say the right things at just the right time about the cute boys because that is what is expected now that they’re not middle-schoolers anymore.

Pressure from her mother to get good grades, and to be the perfect Christian daughter, because if she was maybe her father might even call her for her birthday. Maybe he might send a gift. If she was perfect maybe he would come home.

Some of her friends seemed to thrive under the new sense of responsibility and attention.

Alyssa felt funny, like a growing sense of dread that pooled in the pit of her stomach just a little more each day. She couldn’t place it, so she put it down to the worry about trying to get everything done.

It was only three weeks into the school year, and she already felt like she was drowning. The unease settled into her shoulders and her breathing became heavier. The tightening of her chest made her panic more and within minutes she was sounding like she had just run a marathon.

She couldn’t breathe.

And it scared her.

“Are you okay?”

It took a minute for Alyssa to finally look up, seeing Shelby’s neighbour Emma standing in front of her with a look of concern on her face.

And a fading bruise near the edge of her jaw.

She recognised her from the few times in classes when she had been called on, or those rare occasions Emma made an appearance in Church, or the few times she’d seen her in her backyard when Alyssa was hanging out at Shelby’s over the summer. Kaylee was the newest addition to the group, pulling Shelby and Alyssa into the popular kids circle and somehow Emma ended up as the social pariah of the eighth grade. She didn’t fit in and now that they were in high school, status seemed to be more important and Emma appeared to have fallen by the wayside, forgotten about and left to her own devices to try and float through the harsh waters that was James Madison.

Alyssa had heard the rumours. But all she knew them as was rumours and it wasn’t any of her business anyways. Right now, Emma was helping her even though she didn’t have to. Even though it was Alyssa’s friends that were usually the ones to make the first comment.

“Can’t breathe.”

Alyssa tried not to let the sensation overwhelm her. It became harder when the tears threatened to tip over and Emma seemed to be moving slowly and deliberately.

“I think you’re having a panic attack.”

It was weird, like she was there but she wasn’t as she watched Emma calmly take out her brown paper lunch bag and empty it all back into her back pack, holding it out for Alyssa to take.

When she didn’t, Emma took Alyssa’s hand and moulded it to fit her fist and her mouth.

“Breathe into the bag. Try and match me.”

There was Emma’s hand on her knee and it felt heavy. The sensation gave her two things to focus on. She was kneeling right in front of Alyssa, keeping eye contact and trying to get her to mimic her own breathing pattern, muttering words of encouragement to keep trying.

To Alyssa, it felt like it took hours.

According the clock at the end of the main hallway, it had only taken seven minutes to get her breathing back to normal. It was already four thirty and her mother was going to be home by five.

She felt tired and worn out and she had a feeling that any likelihood of getting homework done tonight was seeming less and less likely.

“Are you okay?”

Alyssa didn’t trust her own words, so she just nodded and wiped the remnants of salty tears from her cheeks.

“Are you sure?” Emma looked at her with concern again, taking the water bottle from the open pocket of Alyssa’s sports bag and offering it to her. “Do you need help getting your stuff home?”

Alyssa shook her head, “I’ll be okay.”

“Okay,” Emma smiled politely, the edges not even tickling the sides of her eyes. “Keep the bag. You know, just in case. Just breathe.”

Alyssa stayed sitting there for a few minutes after Emma had walked away, ducking into a music room three doors down.

When she stood up, her body feeling heavy and her bags feeling heavier as she hoisted them up onto her shoulders before beginning the trek home. There was a glimpse of Emma in the music room as she passed, back to the door and holding a guitar.

The walk let her try and process what the heck had just happened, as she tried to count the blocks to make it feel like she was getting somewhere.

Emma had stopped and helped her.

Emma has said she was having a panic attack.

What the heck was a panic attack?


	2. Two

Monday rolled around too quickly for Alyssa’s liking.

She had barely managed to get the Algebra equations done on top of the English paper, and she had managed to convince her mother to give her a curfew for Shelby’s party so she could study.

She shuffled into the school with fatigue pulling at the edges of her eyes because she most definitely disobeyed her mother’s direction to get to bed by nine thirty in order to have privacy to google what a panic attack was and how to stop it.

That was a rabbit hole that she ended up going down until past midnight, and as she navigated the throngs of people she wished she actually liked coffee.

Emma ended up sliding in and out of Alyssa’s line of sight all week, but it took the full week before she actually got to talk to her.

Mr Peters walked through the rows of fourth period English, beginning to discuss the themes of their next reading assignment and the expectations of the accompanying paper due in four weeks. Alyssa saw Emma’s eyes following his movements, only drifting back to her notebook to make a few more scribbles.

It took until the bell before Alyssa managed to make eye contact through the shuffle of students making their way to their next class. Emma gave a very small, generally non-committed smile and left, and Alyssa had to scramble her things together because Kaylee was calling for her at the door.

“Alyssa, come on. We’re going to be late for French.”

Her Friday afternoon dragged on, half because she was tired and half because there was a light at the end of the school day; once practice was over the only responsibilities she had was Church and homework.

Alyssa made her way to her locker to collect her books after practice, fighting only the inevitable yawn and wondering if she could fit in a nap before dinner. But despite her readiness for sleep, Alyssa took her time to go over her tasks for the afternoon, checking and double checking the books in her bag and comparing it to that to do list she had doodled during Chemistry. The list had grown because Mr Finn had dished another three pages of math problems to have done by Monday afternoon.

The halls were deserted so it wasn’t hard to miss Emma walking with her head down, and ducking back into the same music room as she had the previous Friday.

It almost felt like she was intruding on something as, half-hidden by the doorway to Room 109, she watched Emma pick up a guitar and settle herself into a chair.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone. Your secret is safe.”

Emma hasn’t even turned around as she spoke and she still didn’t as Alyssa shuffled in quietly.

“How did you know it was a panic attack?”

Emma shrugs in response.

When Alyssa is far enough around to Emma’s right, she turns to smile sadly and Alyssa can see the bruise, now a pale yellow and still standing out against pale skin.

Alyssa dropped into a chair on the far side of the room, shaking her head.

“Everything just…got to be too much.” She didn’t look up, picking at her fingernails. “This is hard. All the pressure. My mother has every minute of every day planned out for me and I am drowning here. She already has me studying Pre-SAT manuals.”

Alyssa raised her eyes to see Emma space out and nod, and it all goes quiet long enough for her to actually take in the girl in front of her.

A little taller than she was, blond hair and glasses. There’s no doubt that she dresses for practicality and comfort, jeans and her worn pink converse and plain t-shirts. An army green jacket for an extra layer with the unpredictability of Indiana in early October. As far as Alyssa could tell, she wasn’t a part of any groups or clubs. For the most part, she tried to stay under the radar but she stood out because she didn’t fit in the way other girls did.

She had no reason to still be on campus an hour and a half after classes had let out.

Yet here she was, looking deflated. “Yeah, the drowning thing. I get that.”

There was something she couldn’t quite place about Emma Nolan.

“My mother is going to be wondering where I am if I don’t get home soon. I should go.”

Emma fiddled with the guitar, a few clean, stray notes escaping from beneath her hands.

“A word of advice.”

Alyssa stopped at the door and turned back. Emma twisted to look around at her.

“Pack your lunch in a paper bag. That way you’ve always got a bag to breathe into.”


	3. Three

Alyssa managed to scrape through the rest of the month without another incident.

Well, mostly.

An extra practice was added to prepare the few freshman that made it onto the squad for the big Homecoming game against Westville the last week before fall break.

And ninth grade Chemistry was kicking her while she was down. If she didn’t do well on the review test for the periodic table, her grade would drop and her mother would not be happy.

One afternoon, as an excuse to have a few minutes to gather her thoughts along, she had ducked away to the bathroom before walking home.

Twice, she had reached into her back pack pretending to be looking for a pen or checking through her notebooks just to double check that the paper bag her lunches were now packed in was still there.

Alyssa hadn’t really spoken to Emma since. She still saw her every Friday afternoon letting herself into Room 109, and in English and Chemistry. But for the most part, Emma seemed to avoid any large gathering of the student body.

Alyssa didn’t really blame her to be honest.

No one seemed to notice that she was never there.


	4. Four

It didn’t take long for Kaylee and Shelby to start blowing off study hall.

“We’re going to watch the boys practice.”

The last thing Alyssa wanted to do in her study hall period which lead into lunch and into a free period was watch boys play football. Watching boys run around doing drill work didn’t appeal to her in the slightest.

“I have to get my head around these equations. Mrs Rogers is going to kill me if don’t do well on another chemistry test. Not to mention my mother.”

“It’s fall break next week. Study then.”

Alyssa’s neck and shoulders had begun to ache from the moment her alarm had gone off, and the churning in the pit of her stomach settled in. She tried to focus on her breathing, deep and slow and deliberate just like google told her.

“I want to study now. I’ll see you guys at practice.”

She didn’t wait for a response before heading off towards her locker to collect her notes and workbooks. A back table in the library where she could spread out and try to get her head around molecular components and DNA structures was actually looking really appealing.

Her fingers brushed that paper bag in her back pack as she traded books over and set off towards the library.


	5. Five

It had been Homecoming weekend right before classes let out and she had been allowed to stay out past curfew if James Madison won the big game. Somehow they had managed a spectacular comeback against Westville High.

Danny Jackson had asked her to the dance, leaving a cute little note on her desk as he walked past during English, ‘Homecoming, tick one. Yes, no, maybe’. She had ticked yes because that was what was expected of her, and then smiled across the room at Shelby and Kaylee who were staring at her with matching smirks.

She had gotten dressed up in that pale blue dress and Danny had told her she looked pretty and then she danced the night away with Shelby and Kaylee when they weren’t flirting with Nick and Greg, and watched as to absolutely no one’s surprise as Jake the quarterback and Becky the cheerleading captain were named King and Queen.

When Danny kissed her on the cheek at the end of the night, in full view of her mother who was waiting in the parking lot, there was this weird sense of dread in her stomach again but she smiled politely and thanked him for a fun night. Her mother did nothing but poke and prod her about Danny the whole way home with a proud grin, but then reminded her about the ‘no dating until she was sixteen’ rule.

Alyssa managed to get upstairs and close the door to her room before she let the feelings take over and she couldn’t control it.

It was messier than the last time, more tears that she couldn’t explain and shallow, wheezy breaths that scared her. There was an itch under Alyssa’s skin that just made it feel like she was losing more control with every passing second, like every nerve was being stimulated at the same time to remind her that they were there. It was only fuelling the feeling of needing to cry. There was a bag she had hidden in her bottom desk drawer, she just had to get there. But it was all the way over on the other side of her room.

Alyssa felt like it took forever to crawl in her pretty blue dress to get there, and it felt like it took forever to calm herself down. She heard her mother pottering around, locking the house up and shutting herself in her own room for the night. Even though she managed settle her breathing, that didn’t stop the uncontrollable bout of crying that followed.

Her mother couldn’t know so she cried into her pillow her while sitting on the floor and up against her bed in that pretty blue dress.

She kept herself up half the night trying to pinpoint why the panic attack and why the crying, and then she ended up sleeping most of Saturday away, much to her mothers disappointment.

And then somehow, the next thing she knew, it was almost the middle of October already.

Halloween was just over a week away.

It was getting colder and wetter.

Alyssa walked back into school after break laughing with Shelby over the tacky Halloween decorations in the halls, having been thankful to have a reprieve from the constant barrage of information overload and to actually have time to work on things without rushing through it and having to make daily lists to make sure she was actually on top of it all.

It lulled her into a false sense of security.

By Wednesday, she was tired already and the contents of her lunch bag had been tipped out into her bag twice already. There was that all too unwanted but familiar itch settling under her shoulders.

She just had to make it to Thanksgiving break.


	6. Six

James Madison really needed to get rid of the slushy machine in the cafeteria.

Kaylee had just walked right passed Alyssa without as much as a ‘hello’, with a smirk and a jumbo sized slushy in her hands heading straight for Emma halfway down the hall.

It was bright blue and Alyssa knew that was going to stain.

It happened in slow motion.

“Hey loser!”

Alyssa grimaced when Emma stood there in shock, covered head to toe in blue slushy.

Some of the cheerleaders and football players behind Alyssa were laughing as Emma ran off towards the bathroom.

She waited until people started moving again before she made any kind of movement to follow.

When she found Emma, slumped over a sink and looking defeated and shaky, she wordlessly handed her some paper towel and the paper bag her lunch had been packed in before walking out.


	7. Seven

It took Alyssa two weeks.

Two weeks to seek Emma out again.

She hadn’t really been able spot her since they all came back from break, even in the classes they shared Emma seemed to have folded in on herself just a little more. It was almost as if she was actually trying to go unnoticed.

They hadn’t spoken since Emma’s advice well over a month ago but Alyssa began to notice her a little more as they headed into November.

Some days, Emma would walk as if she was trying to hold herself up. Others, it was like the floor was the most interesting thing about James Madison. Almost every day, Alyssa could see that she was doing her best to take the high road, to not let anything get to her. She never saw her in the cafeteria at lunch, or outside if they got lucky with the weather. She was always last into class and first to leave. Maybe it was a strategic movement to avoid getting slushied again.

Most days, Alyssa’s friends would make a comment here or there, call her loser or pick on her for _something_.

She wasn’t stupid. She had heard the rumours, the assumptions and the stupid comments that just fuelled the fire and followed Emma around school the further they all got into the school year.

Alyssa couldn’t figure out why they felt the need. What had Emma done to get this kind of response from her classmates? Or was it teenagers being teenagers, trying to push the power that came with being popular? She didn’t exactly try to stop her friends or reprimand them for their comments, but it did leave her with a funny taste in her mouth.


	8. Eight

The third week of November was the usual flurry of classes and homework and student council meetings and that dang History assignment. She was grateful that she was allowed to wear the long sleeves under her cheerleading uniform now that it was getting colder.

She had told her mother that practice was going to run over to make up for no game over Thanksgiving, and she had told Kaylee and Shelby that her mother needed her home straight afterwards to help out with a house showing.

As soon as practice was over, Alyssa waved a goodbye and let the mask fall once everyone was behind her. The halls were empty and she was glad for it.

The door to Room 109 was still open and when she got closer she could hear the unmistakable sounds of a guitar being played.

It had taken her another week before she could finally find Emma, to find a moment when her friends weren’t around and wouldn’t put her on the stand for talking to her.

She watched for a moment, sure that Emma hadn’t picked up on the fact that she was there, once again half-hidden by the doorway. This girl seemed at peace, sitting here in a music room after hours. As if she had found a refuge. It seemed familiar and it took a moment for Alyssa to recognise it.

Alyssa genuinely enjoyed English.

Reading was a small refuge that she had from the reality that was being a teenager in high school.

Even if it only was for a few hours at a time, she could escape into a world that wasn’t her own. It was mandatory reading and not one of the books she would have like to read, but she would take what she could get, especially given that she rarely had time for herself anymore.

Being able to delve into a life and a story that wasn’t hers was nice.

It seemed she had found Emma’s place to hide.

Part of her didn’t want to intrude, to interrupt when Emma seemed to be lost in her own world. But part of her wanted to talk to her. She felt like she could speak to her and feel safe about doing so.

“Do you normally stand there creeping in the doorway?”

Alyssa was pulled from her thoughts when Emma spoke and it took her a second to realise that she hadn’t turned around.

“How did you know I was there?”

It sounded like a soft laugh that came from Emma before she answered.

“I know you tried, but you’re not very quiet.”

Leaving her bags just inside the door, Alyssa took the same seat that she had a few months ago. But even though it was a light mood, it didn’t stop her face from going hard when she finally got a good look at Emma.

There’s another bruise, a little darker and a little higher across the corner of her jaw.

“A bit clumsy?”

“Something like that. How’s that paper bag working out for you?”

“It’s getting the job done for now.”

They shared a rare smile, Emma’s more lop sided as to not split her lip again.

“How did you know it was a panic attack? How did you know what to do?”

Alyssa wasn’t speaking loudly or trying to sound like she was accusing Emma of something, or at least she wasn’t trying to. Emma’s grin had turned sad and so Alyssa’s stomach gave a nervous jolt.

“Takes one to know one.”

“You helped me when you didn’t have to and I never said thank you. So thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

There was a smile and Emma kept fiddling with the guitar.

“How do you make it stop?” Alyssa had spoken so quietly she wasn’t actually sure how she was heard.

“Which part? Because you’ve got the paper bag thing down apparently.”

That actually made her laugh.

“Whatever it is that makes _you_ need the paper bag.” Emma went quiet and Alyssa wasn’t quite sure if it was because she didn’t want to tell Alyssa her own problem or if she just didn’t know how to phrase it. “I don’t need to know why you have them, it’s not my business. It’s more like, have you figured out how to not let it turn into a panic attack?”

“Not really. Avoidance is usually the best tool in my arsenal. It doesn’t always work but it works well enough.”

Emma shrugs, like whatever she has to deal with isn’t actually that big of a deal. Given that Alyssa has seen a bruise and a busted lip, she has a feeling that that’s not true.

“But what if you can’t avoid it?”

Alyssa’s voice sounds as small as she feels, and now she’s the one not willing to make eye contact. Her fingernails are very interesting all of a sudden. She wonders if Emma can see her hesitation, her worry, her fear.

“I’m no expert.”

“Your opinion then, or even a suggestion, because it’s getting harder and harder to breathe every day.”

The look on Emma’s face tells her that she’s processing the request, and Alyssa wonders if her face gets across how desperate she’s starting to feel.

“Either accept whatever it is that is making that weight heavier, or fake it till you make it. Doing one is definitely easier than the other, just depends.”

“On what?”

“Who you are or who you want to be and if you’re brave enough to show that person to the rest of the world.”

Alyssa pauses as the silence settles easily, broken only by the strumming of the guitar. “That’s some heavy food for thought.”

“Yeah a little bit.”

“I’m sorry about the whole slushy thing.” Emma’s face drops. “And the comments that people keep making.”

“I’ve had worse.”

Alyssa felt sorry for Emma. That she could brush off having clothes ruined and being humiliated in front of the entire student population as if it was nothing.

“So why are you always here late on a Friday?”

“I help my Grandma on weekends out on the farm. She usually picks me up from school when she does the afternoon stock feed run. I get picked up late but it means I don’t have to go all the way home first.”

Alyssa can see Emma eyeing her off, but she doesn’t say anything.

“You know this is the longest conversation we’ve ever had.”

Emma smiled, “This is the longest conversation I’ve had in a while with someone who hasn’t tried to insult me. Are you sure you want to be seen around school with me?”

“We’re the only ones here.”

“This is true.”

Alyssa was smiling, feeling a little bit lighter. Emma was on the verge of smiling, not quite there completely, but she wasn’t frowning and she didn’t have a vacant look on her face.

“I should get home, before my mother sends out a search party.”

Emma waved over her shoulder.

Alyssa was mostly down the hall when she realised that she couldn’t hear the guitar anymore.


	9. Nine

In between classes, her mind would wander.

During church, her mind would wander.

Trying to give some thought to what Emma had said.

Alyssa wasn’t gullible enough to believe that her mother was above reading a journal if she kept one. So she kept her thoughts in her head and let her mind wander when she could get away with not fully paying attention.

Which was definitely not during dinner with her mother because she had to face the interrogation and that required pretty much all of her concentration.

Who did she want to be?

Was she brave enough?

Or should she just fake it until she was free of Edgewater and her mother and the stupid rules of the popularity contest she didn’t even want to really participate in?


	10. Ten

Thanksgiving weekend was not nearly as much fun as Alyssa had hoped it would be.

She and her mother had to drive all the way to South Bend to spend it with her grandparents, and because her mother wanted to be there early to help out with everything, it meant getting up stupidly early because family tradition said the turkey had to be in the oven by nine.

There had been a very gentle but stern warning to watch just how much she ate over the holiday weekend because she still had to fit into her cheerleading uniform. And her mother still expected her to go for her usual runs regardless of the holiday.

It was nice to get out of Edgewater for the day, even if she was exchanging one suffocating household for another. Her mother mentioned the rumours about a sinner at school, whispering across the green beans and potatoes about the rumours going around about a _homosexual in Edgewater_ and actually asked Alyssa in front of everyone if she knew who it was. When Alyssa shook her head and lied, her mother told her to stay away from that person if she figured it out; she didn’t want any kind of bad influence to impact Alyssa.

She knew her mother wasn’t stupid, she had gone to the same high school after all. Most weekends there was a party, and parties usually meant underage drinking and levels of heavy petting, or heaven forbid sex before marriage. Those were definitely sinful behaviours in her mother’s books which she conveniently turned a blind eye too.

But a gay student? That was simply going too far.

By the time they got home late that night, Alyssa’s face hurt from pretending to be happy all day and she pretended to be asleep for most of the drive just so she wouldn’t have to talk to her mother.


	11. Eleven

Monday morning rolled around and her mother reminded her about weighing herself before breakfast.

And then handed her a bland salad, carrot sticks and an apple for her school lunch before she left for work, calling out about keeping her water levels up.


	12. Twelve

There was only nine school days left before the end of the semester.

Alyssa had made a list in the back of one of her books, right next to the count down of how many school days she had left.

Finish reading Romeo and Juliet.

Finish the paper that went with it.

Put her arguments forward for the final debate team meeting.

Present the assignment on Ancient Greece in class.

Practice those handstands and get routines down one more game because James Madison Football sucks and there’s no way they’re going to make the finals.

Complete the biology work book assigned pages.

Work through the sentence structures for French.

Attend one more student council meeting.

Suffer through the Algebraic and Chemistry equations.

Sit her finals.

Her stress levels were through the roof and her shoulders ached and her back was sore. But that’s all she had to do to get through the school semester.

Oh, and deal with her mother.

And go to Church.

And the post-Church service lunch.

Alyssa couldn’t wait to tick all of those things off.


	13. Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the hits and comments. I'll try to keep the posting consistent and regular. Glad you guys are enjoying it.

Christmas was not nearly as much fun as she had hoped. Neither was New Years.

Everyone came to their house this year, which meant Alyssa didn’t have anywhere to hide if she wanted to try out Emma’s avoidance technique.

There were decorated cookies and a cake for after the Christmas Day feast her grandmother had taken over the kitchen to prepare. But stern looks from her mother sent Alyssa into the fridge for a piece of fruit any time she gave any kind of indication of munching down on a cookie. The football season may be over, but cheerleading was not.

It had taken a lot of structured arguing for her mother to let her go to Kaylee’s for a New Year’s party with some other kids from school. Her parents would be there. And there would definitely be no alcohol or anything inappropriate.

Kaylee was a good liar.

Alyssa had her first kiss that night with her Homecoming date Danny. She didn’t really have a choice. He had casually snuck up and asked if he could be her New Years kiss. And Shelby most definitely bumped her as she walked passed, pushing her closer to him.

Maybe it would get everyone off her back about having a crush on a boy, or finding someone to date, even though she wasn’t allowed.

She can’t lie, Danny is nice.

But it left her feeling a little sick in her stomach, despite the giggles she shared with Kaylee and Shelby and the blush she somehow managed to have.

Afterwards when she made it home and her mother asked how it was, Alyssa lied and said it was a lot of fun. She was getting a tension headache because she’d kept up the same façade all night. She didn’t mention Danny.

Her door had only just gotten closed when the tears started and out of instinct she reached for the paper bag in her nightstand.

Alyssa Greene welcomed the new year in by crying herself to sleep.


	14. Fourteen

She had made it to second semester.

Alyssa hadn’t missed a day of school yet.

That was something her mother had made very clear when she started high school, along with the expectation of straight A’s and no less than three extra-curricular activities.

It was actually something that she was proud of.

But when she walked into what was now first period Chemistry on Thursday morning it felt as if she had missed a step somewhere or that the first semester hadn’t even happened. Their first class had been a review test and Alyssa had not done as well as she needed. Thankfully it wasn’t a part of her final grade and her mother would never know.

But even though her mother would never know, that didn’t stop her impromptu lunch period long stop to the bathroom with her paper bag.

Mrs Rogers had decided to change their lab partners up. She wouldn’t be paired with Greg anymore. As nice as he was, she always ended up doing most of the work because he was goofing off when Mrs Rogers wasn’t looking.

“Alyssa Greene. Emma Nolan.”

She heard Kaylee cough next to her, a word slipping out that sounded suspiciously like ‘loser’. Alyssa nudged her with her elbow and got a questioning look in return.

“Sucks to be you,” Shelby half-laughed.

Emma didn’t make eye contact with her, heck she didn’t even really look up from her notebook.

“Sorry you got stuck with the class freak,” she muttered when everyone finally switched seats.

“You’re the smartest in our class. I would be stupid to pass this up. This is my worst subject.”

And then Mrs Rogers launched into the practical task they were going to be working through during the class.

This was the bit where Alyssa felt like she lost any understanding of first semester chemistry.

One minute everything was fine. Emma was double checking the instructions and comparing them to the items what they had on the table in front of them.

The next minute there was a resounding pop and Alyssa was covered in peanut brittle.

Not her proudest moment.

Half the class had laughed when the shock had worn off, but no one more than Nick and Greg who thought it was absolutely hilarious. They were laughing so hard they were almost crying.

Mrs Rogers looked at her with a sympathetic eye, gently reprimanded her for not following the instructions and suggested that she go and get cleaned up.

With a flushed face, more from shock than anything, Alyssa excused herself.

She was grateful that she had a spare James Madison High Athletics t-shirt in her locker, and she deliberately took her time to get changed because there was a familiar itch across her shoulders that was ready to send her into panic mode. It was nothing to get upset about, it was an accident. But, alongside the pressure Alyssa was putting on herself to be as perfect as she possibly could for so many different sides that needed her to be perfect, she found herself at breaking point less than a week into the semester.

Alyssa was halfway through her fourth lap of the girl’s bathroom in the science wing when Emma walked in carrying both of their backpacks.

Her breath was shaky and she was trying to force it down like an immoveable object meeting an unstoppable force. But even Alyssa knew that something would have to give; either she settled herself down or she broke. It was just a race to see which one would happen first.

Emma didn’t say anything when she saw her, but simply took one look and dug out her lunch bag. Alyssa shook her head because if she gave in, it would happen and she didn’t want it to happen.

“Just wanted to check on my lab partner. You okay?”

A stray tear escaped.

She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Breathe. Slow and steady.”

Alyssa knew that Emma was only trying to help, but she was getting antsy in more ways than one. She was impatient yet indecisive, desperate but panicking.

“We don’t have time for this, we have to get back to class.”

“Rogers excused us for the rest of the hour as long as we write a detailed analysis of the experiment. I’ll walk you through it during study hall or a free period. It will be fine.”

Emma was radiating calm, and Alyssa had no choice but to settle. It took half an hour but it all faded, leaving her more tired than when she had come to school, with Emma speaking quietly that it was an accident, and everything was okay, and she’s pretty sure that Alyssa was _not_ the first person to blow up confectionary in the history of a high school chemistry class so it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

“But seriously, how do you blow up peanut brittle? Cause I didn’t even know that was possible with that experiment.”

Alyssa laughed, genuinely and easily and her eyes still brimming with tears, shouldering her bag and making for the door when the bell rang.

She wiped her eyes hurriedly, expecting people come in during the break. “Thank you.”

Emma smiled and went in the opposite direction with a wave.


	15. Fifteen

Alyssa’s mind was wandering in Church that Sunday.

Pastor Edward was preaching but she didn’t hear much of it after the first few minutes.

Emma had been nothing but nice to her since the school year started but that hadn’t encouraged her to stick up for her. Alyssa had a feeling that not many people did stick up for Emma.

Her mother nudged her knee, and she tried not to look guilty for not paying attention.

The stern look she was given made her sit up straighter and look right ahead.


	16. Sixteen

Alyssa was a February baby.

When the fourth rolled around, she was officially fifteen. She hadn’t wanted a party or a big event, and had somehow convinced her mother that she could go to the mall and see a movie with Shelby and Kaylee.

She spent three hours of her Saturday listening to them gush over how hot Ryan Gosling was before the conversation moved onto the boys at school. Alyssa didn’t really get what all the fuss was about.

Three days later, she didn’t even hang in the doorway after classes. Instead she just let herself into Room 109 and listened to Emma play the grubby school guitar. If Emma had any issue with Alyssa letting herself in, she didn’t say anything.

After a smile and a few minutes of silence, Emma stopped playing and rummaged through her bag.

Alyssa was taken by surprise when she threw something to her.

It was a block of peanut brittle, and written across the front in gold was ‘happy birthday’ in block letters.

Alyssa let out a loud laugh and muttered a thank you and tucked it into her bag to hide from her mother later.


	17. Seventeen

It had only been a week but Alyssa was really looking forward to Friday, and not for the same reason her friends were.

There was a party on a Becky Hollins house on Friday and it had been the talk of the week.

Wearing the cheerleading squad uniform meant that, even though she was a freshman, Alyssa got an invite to pretty much any party that was due to kick off on a Friday or a Saturday night. And apparently Danny had been talking to his friends about her and it had gotten around to the squad and then became the hot topic in the locker room after practice.

The girls had been hassling her about him since the Homecoming Dance.

When the reason that Alyssa was actually looking forward to rolled around, there was a jitteriness that tingled beneath her skin.

She told the girls that she left books in her locker and told her mother that there was a quick study session after that just to buy herself some time, and then made her way to her locker to collect the peanut brittle Emma had given her.

As she expected, Emma was sitting in her usual spot in Room 109.

And as expected, there was no complaint when she let herself in.

To Alyssa’s surprise though, she was greeted with a smile.

The smile grew when Alyssa snapped some peanut brittle and offered it up, earning a thanks in return and some comfortable silence as they nibbled on it.

“Why do you come in here every week?”

She felt her stomach drop and the dread settle right at the bottom like concrete. She didn’t have the answer to that. What she did know was that she was one of the popular kids, who got good grades and went to Church, fifteen years old and fighting with herself on a semi-regular basis that only really resulted in a panic attack. What Alyssa knew was that she was drawn to the girl in front of her, the girl who wasn’t like the rest of them and had no clue why.

So she shrugged and saw Emma’s face fall.

“I don’t know. I don’t know why I keep coming here. I guess I just like talking to you. You’re easy to talk to and you’re not like everyone else at this _stupid_ school. I can actually talk to you about things.”

“You mean Kaylee or Shelby don’t know about your panic attacks?”

Emma was quiet when Alyssa shook her head.

“I can’t tell them that. I can’t tell them a lot actually.”

“But you can tell me?”

Alyssa nods and dips her head, a little embarrassed. “I feel like I can. Is that weird?”

Emma chuckles and shakes her head.

“You know it goes both ways right?” She looked nervous and started fiddling with the guitar that was predictably sitting across her lap. “You can talk to me, Emma.”

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t have a lot of friends, Alyssa. And I’ve been picked on and bullied since we started middle school. People," Emma started and let out a heavy sigh, "just don’t like me. Less people to disappoint and less people to be disappointed by, I guess.”

Alyssa felt something that wasn’t unfamiliar when it came to Emma Nolan; pity with a sting of familiarity when she spoke of disappointing people.

“I’d like to be your friend.”

Alyssa surprised even herself but the flutter in her stomach when Emma gave her a real smile, a genuine Emma Nolan smile surprised her even more.


	18. Eighteen

Alyssa didn’t really want to go to Becky Hollins party.

It was the first time in a while the all too dreaded feeling of anxiety and fear of a panic attack hadn’t buried itself beneath her skin and she was left feeling a little bit confused. Staring up at her ceiling would have been more productive, trying to wrap her mind around that flutter in her stomach and what it meant.

But it was expected of her and she would never hear the end of it if she didn’t go.

Her mother made her promise no alcohol, not that she would, and she had to be home by before midnight. Sure it was a Friday, and there wasn’t anything pressing for Saturday that meant she couldn’t sleep in a little, but she had kind of been hoping that her mother would give her an out so she didn’t have to go, or at least didn’t have to stay too long.

So when she was cornered in the kitchen by Kaylee, Alyssa lied and said her mother wanted her home by ten because she needed her help with stuff on Saturday.

The music was way so loud that she could feel it thumping in her chest and it didn’t take long for a headache to settle in from pretending to smile and act as if she was having fun. If Alyssa was being honest with herself she was feeling very out of place in her jeans and sweater. Despite the early March chill that was still hanging about, there were a lot of shorter skirts than what was absolutely necessary.

Shelby and Kaylee both had red cups in their hands and where dancing closely with Nick and Greg. At one point, Alyssa wasn’t sure where Kaylee ended and Nick began.

Danny had found her in the lounge room and offered her a drink but Alyssa had already poured herself a cup, making out like there was alcohol in there. When Alyssa only had fifteen minutes left until her alleged curfew, which gave her a level of anxiousness to get home as if it was real, he invaded her space trying to pull onto the makeshift dance floor.

“I have to go. I have curfew.”

“Oh come on, just a dance ‘Lys.”

Alyssa knew he was cute, she knew she should be practically fawning over him the way Shelby was over Greg in the opposite corner. That’s what was expected of her.

Alyssa knew that she should be leaning into him when he tried to wrap an arm around her waist and pull her out with a sweet smile that showed his dimples. That’s what was expected of her.

Alyssa knew that she should want to kiss him because he fit the mould of the type of boy her mother would like see her date one day; the sweet, kind, Church going boy with the right morals (if you completely disregarded the fact that he was drinking at fifteen).

Alyssa knew that a second kiss with Danny would be more than enough to cement her position as one of the cool kids. That’s what was expected of her.

But the hand on her waist felt heavy and uncomfortable and she couldn’t figure out why so when stepped forward again to press her into the back of the couch with clear intentions, she side-stepped out of his grip and smiled apologetically, trying to sound sincere over the music.

“I have to get home. Sorry.”

It wasn’t until she was well outside Becky Hollins house and halfway down the block that Alyssa realised that her heart was still beating so heavily she could hear it in her ears. It wasn’t until she was at the end of the block and only three away from her house, standing on the corner of Hillcrest and Potter that it hit her.

Hard.

The familiar sensation of uncomfortable and heavy itching under her skin and across shoulders stopped her from walking any closer to home once she was on the other side of Hillcrest. It hurt to breathe and Alyssa was cursing herself for not having a paper bag in her pocket. It had only been a week since the last one.

Alyssa was tired. These attacks were starting to wear her down and she couldn’t stop herself when she dropped against one of the many identical trees that lined the street and started to cry, grateful she was hidden in the darkness and her mother not expecting her for another two hours.

She contemplated messaging Emma to see if she was awake, and then realised through a heavy sob that she didn’t have her number.

This one was one that she would have to ride out alone.


	19. Nineteen

Alyssa spent the weekend dodging calls and texts from her friends asking where she had disappeared to on Friday, and why she had ditched Danny.

In between that and Church, she spent the weekend avoiding her mother in her room, telling her she had a pile of homework that needed her uninterrupted attention.

The homework line would get her out of most things with her mother.

On Sunday night, as she was sluggishly getting her bag ready for school the next day, Alyssa made sure to delete the search history on her computer. The last thing she needed was her mother accidentally (or deliberately) realising that she was asking Google about why she didn’t want to kiss boy at a party and what it meant when a girl gave you a smile and you got a flutter in your stomach.

And the answers were not that helpful and would not have impressed her mother so it was better for everyone if Alyssa just deleted it.

When she slipped into school Monday morning, quiet and tired, she was more confused that she was _before_ she got on Google.


	20. Twenty

Kaylee and Shelby cornered her at lunch on Tuesday.

“You slipped out on Danny at the party and you ignored us all weekend!”

“He likes you, Alyssa. He was going to kiss you.”

“You know my mother will not let me date,” and “I had a curfew,” seemed to fall on deaf ears. All of her excuses were ignored and Alyssa wondered if they had practised tag teaming her with an onslaught of questions. And then she wondered why she was trying to deflect their questions about Danny anyway, and why she seemed so hesitant to just go along with what was expected of her.

“Danny is cute!”

“Your mother never has to know.”

“I just have a lot on my plate, okay!” Alyssa hadn’t meant for the outburst. Really. But the noise of the cafeteria was getting too loud, and she was really struggling to hear even her own thoughts. “Between my mother, and cheer, and classes, and debate, and student council, I just have a lot on my plate. I have to get to Chemistry. I’ll see you at practice.”

There was still half of the lunch period left, but she wasn’t very hungry so she led herself towards the Chemistry lab with the intention of re-reading the required chapter before class started. There was the occasional student floating around in the hallways, collecting books or lunch from lockers, but still there were too many people.

So when she let herself into the classroom and leant against the closed door, she was expecting it to be empty.

“You okay over there, Greene?”

Alyssa’s head snapped up and her eyes snapped open to see Emma sitting at their lab table, lunch on one side and her books spread out on the other.

In an instant it felt like she could breathe.

“Need a paper bag?” came quietly from across the room, and she was holding her crumpled lunch bag up in offering with smile.

There was a chuckle that snuck out from Alyssa. “Not yet.”

Emma shrugged softly and went back to what Alyssa gathered was a peanut butter sandwich and her text book, pulling her things back to clear the other half of the table for her. Taking her seat by the window, Alyssa pulled her text book out and opened up to chapter 11, and started making notes about the weeks chemical equations in silence.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a popular kid anywhere near a class room before the allocated period is scheduled to start.”

Alyssa paused, not that she was actually getting anywhere with question four. “I just needed a break. I had a crap weekend and it was getting too loud in the cafeteria.”

“What was so bad about your weekend?”

Alyssa didn’t answer her lab partner right away, a little bit taken aback at how genuine Emma sounded. There was no judgement if it sounded like Alyssa was complaining like a bad weekend was the end of the world.

“Didn’t get a lot of sleep is all. And I spent all afternoon on Sunday trying to figure out these stupid equations. And I got nowhere.”

“Panic attack?”

It came out as a whisper. “Yeah.”

“They used to wear me out a lot too, when I first started getting them.”

“Do you still get them?”

“Yeah but they’re not as bad anymore.” Emma looked across at Alyssa’s note book, taking in the obsessively neat cursive handwriting. “Also, you wrote the algorithm down wrong.”

Alyssa’s head snapped down. _“What?”_

“It’s ‘v’ _over_ ‘n’. That’ll be why you’re getting nowhere with the equations.”

She could feel her shoulders physically deflate. “Oh my God. How did I miss that?”

“Sometimes you miss things when you’re stressed,” Emma chuckled and spent the next ten minutes walking Alyssa through the equations until she seemed to get where she had been going wrong and had the chapter summaries under control.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Emma smiled at her and took another bite of the now elusive peanut butter sandwich. She had her eyes on the chocolate chip cookies that were definitely homemade, but finishing her sandwich was the priority.

“Hey, how come I never see you in the cafeteria?”

“I get bullied on a daily basis. Why would I willingly throw myself into the lion’s den to be easy pickings during the lunch hour?”

“Okay, that is a fair point.”

Alyssa made herself get through problems seven through twelve before she went to speak again, and noticed Emma breezing through problems three chapters ahead of the rest of the class.

“Can I give you my phone number?”

The tip of Emma’s pencil snapped and pushed a hole through the page. “Sorry?”

“Can I give you my number?”

“Why?”

“I thought it might be nice to be able to talk outside of class.”

It wasn’t hard to see Emma freeze up at the thought. “Is this some sort of prank?”

“What?” Alyssa was confused. Emma was nice, she could talk to Emma. She wanted to be friends with Emma. “Why would it be a prank?”

The girl sitting next to her seemed to close in on herself, almost like an automatic self-defence mechanism. Her arms were crossed over her chest and somehow she managed to make herself appear smaller than her fifteen year old self.

“Kids don’t want to be friends with me, let alone a popular kid. The only reason a popular kid would want to be friends with me is to pull some stupid prank.”

Mrs Rogers chose that exact moment to walk in to start preparing the class, giving the two of them a generally approving glance before turning her back on them and beginning to make notes on the board.

Alyssa made sure to drop her voice; if Mrs Rogers had walked in, their class mates couldn’t be far behind.

“I meant it last week when I said I wanted to be friends. I’ve seen you smile a grand total of three times all year, and I was with you for all three of them. Emma, I can actually talk to you about things and you get it. You’re not like the rest of the people here. And even though we’re still working up to the whole friend’s thing I would like to think that you could talk to me too if you wanted to. There’s no prank. I promise.”

But before Emma was able to respond, the bell sounded loudly and class mates began streaming in.

There was no missing the glare that came their way from Kaylee and Shelby. Alyssa had no doubt that it was towards her for ditching them and towards Emma for simply existing in Edgewater.

The rest of class passed without incident, and they all groaned (except Emma) when they were told about a test in two weeks for thirty percent of their grade. Emma was pretty civil through the lesson, still standoffish but she participated in the worksheets and problem solving with Alyssa all the while Alyssa was internally freaking out at the idea that Emma didn’t want to be friends with her.

That Emma had lumped her in with the rest of the kids who picked on her.

But when the bell rang and Alyssa had to make her way to French on the other side of campus and was in a hurry packing her books up, she noticed that a loose piece of paper with equations scribbled all over it under a clear heading ‘correct algorithms’ had been left sitting on top of her open notebook.

And sitting there at the bottom of the page was Emma’s number and a little note ‘I’d like to be friends’.


	21. Twenty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit sad that the show is over, but I am very grateful that I bought that ticket at the last minute back in May to see the show. Very glad that I got to see it at all and with the original cast, and to witness the story they told.

Alyssa couldn’t figure out why she was so nervous.

It was just a text to Emma so that she had her number.

_‘Hey! It’s Alyssa, just wanted to say thanks for those notes you left. I’m actually getting my head around things for that test.’_

As soon as she hit send, the blood was pounding in her ears and her hands became clammy, and she was glad she was walking home alone after her Wednesday afternoon debate club meeting.

She tried not to be too disappointed when she didn’t get a reply shortly after.

It wasn’t until after dinner when she excused herself from the table to get some French homework done and saw her phone flashing with a notification the moment she walked into her bedroom.

_‘Not a prank?’_

Alyssa was almost giddy and she didn’t even know why.

_‘Promise.’_


	22. Twenty-Two

They had messaged a few times outside of class and outside of their usual Friday afternoon meeting.

Mostly, it was Alyssa asking for help around Chemistry.

But Emma had answered her every time, sometimes within a few minutes and other times it took a few hours.

The night before the test, Alyssa had sent just a gif of Sheldon breathing into the paper bag.

She needed to do well on this test and Chemistry was freaking her out.

She had heated up the dinner her mother had prepared and eaten it by herself because her mother had the monthly Parent Teacher Association meeting after work. It was kind of nice to have the house so quiet and to herself, quiet enough that she could gather her thoughts and not have to appear perfect.

Or so she had thought.

The silence only seemed to lead her down the rabbit hole of worst case scenarios leading her breathing to become erratic and heavy and aching.

Emma messaged back instructions to say the alphabet out loud firmly forwards and backwards until she calmed down.

It was a distraction that might work.

Half an hour later once her breathing had evened out and it didn’t sound like she had lost her voice for her week and it didn’t hurt to speak, her mother walked through the front door calling for her. Alyssa was able to get halfway down the bannister for the usual ‘how was your day’ conversation and hear all about how the Robertson’s were being too picky with options and preferences for a house and how the PTA wasn’t doing enough for the kids at school.

It wasn’t until she was scolded for practically falling asleep standing up while listening to her mother rant and rave that she was told to go to bed.

She didn’t feel as exhausted as she usually did but she was _tired_ , and she fell asleep wondering about Emma.


	23. Twenty-Three

A+.

Ninety six.

Somehow, and she had no idea how, Alyssa had managed to get a ninety six on her test and maintain that ‘A’ average.

It wasn’t a perfect score and her mother would chastise her for not studying harder because there were four more points she could have scraped in, but it was better than she could have hoped for.

“Told you you’d be fine,” comes quietly from Emma, who is sitting on her left and skimming through her own test to see which single question she got wrong. Alyssa can see Emma out of the corner of her eye, trying not to grin.

Alyssa smiles and the strain across her shoulders that had been building up since her alarm went off eased but only slightly.


	24. Twenty-Four

Football was over.

Basketball was over.

Soccer was over.

But any game for whatever school sport the squad performed at was just practice for the State Championships at the end of April.

Alyssa learnt a new meaning for the word ‘sore’. Training became longer and harder and seemed to take the places of games they would cheer for; Becky Hollins had actually made one of the sophomore’s cry one Friday afternoon. It felt like they were literally killing themselves with cardio and tumbling practice but Alyssa couldn’t really understand what for. If she was being honest, she hated Cheerleading.

As much as she hates it, that didn’t stop the aching itch in her shoulders start the closer the end of April got.

So when she explains all this to Emma over some peanut brittle when she slumps into Room 109 after seeing Becky Hollins make three more girls cry two weeks out from the big competition, Emma stumps her with a question.

“If you hate it so much, why do you do it?”

Her mother would kill her if she quit.

Kaylee and Shelby would disown her if she quit.

Hello bottom of the social food chain.

And Alyssa had seen first-hand what the bottom of the food chain looked like from the top.

No, thank you.

“My mother kind of expects it from me. Looks good on college applications. I don’t really have a choice.”

“You always have a choice, Alyssa.”

Emma said it as easily as someone could say they like pizza. Or dogs.

“I like your optimism, but you haven’t met my mother.”


	25. Twenty-Five

They don’t win.

They come third.

But it’s further than any other James Madison High Cheerleading Squads had gotten in the past so it’s not like they can be too upset with the result.

Becky Hollins is pissed but it takes the five or so hour bus ride back from the competition in Columbus for her to be proud of the accomplishment rather than disappointed.

The energy of the squad tapers off after the first hour and everyone seems to crash from the sugar high of celebratory burgers and shakes afterwards. Alyssa sinks into her seat, fiddling with her headphones and hoping for a nap. She had managed to make it through the weekend competition without a panic attack, which would have been very difficult to explain to Kaylee and Shelby considering they were sharing a room.

Alyssa gets a few messages from her mother, a wish of good luck and a congratulations and a reminder not to eat bad food while she was away from home for the night.

She’s definitely not telling her mother about the triple choc shake she downed after she practically inhaled the cheeseburger.

The inevitable feeling of guilt settles in as she shifts around in her seat trying to get comfortable for the rest of the drive back to Edgewater. The restrictions that her mother put in around no sugar or fast food or no carbs on certain days because now she’s on the squad left Alyssa resenting herself for giving in eating the cheeseburger for the whole drive.

When she finally got home to her mother waiting for her in the school parking lot with a big smile, spouting congratulations and boasting about how proud she was of Alyssa with a hint of disappointment that it wasn’t first place and that Alyssa could do better when she was captain, she muttered a thank you and an excuse about being tired and feeling sick from the drive so she wouldn’t have to eat dinner.

After a shower, Alyssa tucks herself in bed and let the anxiety chew away at her until she fell asleep.


	26. Twenty-Six

Halfway through third period civics, Alyssa’s phone vibrates in her pocket and when she pulls it out to hide under her desk, she almost has to force down the smile from taking over her face as to not make it too obvious that she isn’t paying attention.

But it doesn’t surprise her when Mr O’Connor doesn’t look up from his desk, narrating the text book at them.

_‘I hear a congratulations are in order.’_

Alyssa looks up, eyeing off Mr O’Connor who still hasn’t lifted his head, and chances a glance at Emma one row behind and on the other side of the room by the windows.

_‘I didn’t know you were a fan of cheerleading competitions.’_

She sneaks another glance and see’s Emma trying not to grin to big; civics was not that entertaining as to elicit smiles from students. The three little dots pop up and sit there for a few moments before disappearing and popping back up.

_‘Only when I have a friend on the squad that just happens to come in third at this year’s state cheerleading championships. Saw the new photo in the trophy case. You guys looked good.’_

_‘It was a terrible photo! So you finally accept that we are friends?’_

_‘I don’t really get a say in the matter do I?’_

_‘Not a chance. ;)’_

It’s more the fact that they won a trophy, getting further than any of the sports have, that seems to draw more attention to the squad.

It seems to give most of the boys some kind of permission to stare a little longer or to make a crude comment directed at them between classes. Walking to French with Kaylee, she and Shelby seemed to enjoy the attention.

Something doesn’t kind of sit comfortably with Alyssa as she stands by watching them soak up the attention. Yes, they’re going to be late for French and Monsieur Charles hates tardiness, but having the attention particularly from half of the football team leaves Alyssa sitting through class with a stomach ache and sore shoulders.

And apparently she has a look of confusion on her face that Monsieur Charles mistakes for confusion over their class work (she’s nailing French so it’s definitely not course work).


	27. Twenty-Seven

Alyssa somehow convinces her mother to let her walk home after classes for the rest of the semester.

The weather is finally getting better, and cheerleading is over so it’s another way that she can be active and be outside, and that placates her mother well enough.

She tries to mumble calculus equations under her breath, or differentiate the pronunciation of gendered terms in French but fails because the stomach ache and sore shoulders makes the walk uncomfortable.

The unease hasn’t gone away and she ends up blowing out the twenty five minute walk to forty five minutes most days racking her brain trying to figure out why.

The attention and the compliments from Danny and Nick and Kevin and Greg made her feel awkward, the behaviour not entirely wanted but it was kind of expected that she should like the attention so she smiled and laughed at them with Kaylee and Shelby. She still smiled at them and battered her eyes at them because she was expected to fawn over them and it seemed easier now that they boys were falling over themselves to chase them. There was more pressure to pretend to like it even though it was almost at the end of the school year and she still didn’t understand what all the fuss was about with boys.

But when Emma gave her the attention, she had felt her cheeks grow warm and her grin get bigger. It was easy to feel comfortable with the attention.

By the end of her walk home, Alyssa figured it was because the boys were open about it in the hallways and a little bit gross and it had only been in a text from Emma.

Her shoulders still stung with tension and her head hurt from thinking so hard about it when she put herself to bed that night.


	28. Twenty-Eight

Alyssa doesn’t get to see much of Emma as the semester begins to wind up.

There’s still messages between them, conversations usually instigated by Alyssa as she gets frustrated with her mother or the endless stream of boys attempting to steal her attention or stresses over their impending finals to finish out freshman year.

Emma always responds, not always straight away.

She’s figured out two months into a friendship with Emma that on weekends, Saturdays were reserved for chores on the farm and usually went from dawn till dusk so she usually answered her messages near enough to dinner and afterwards before passing out from a day’s hard work, and Sundays were kept for homework and study and any last minute tasks that didn’t get done the day before.

Alyssa understands that Emma and her parents don’t have the best relationship, even if Emma has yet to put that into actual words and confirm it. She figures that Emma is still learning to build that trust with her but during the week after classes let out for the day, Alyssa is always bound to get a reply within a few minutes and she takes a silent guess that she shuts herself in her room to put those avoidance techniques into practice.

She’s glad when she sees Emma float into class without a bruise or a busted lip or carrying herself in an attempt to make herself seem smaller and not attract attention from their classmates.

Alyssa thinks she might actually miss getting to speak to Emma on a regular basis.


	29. Twenty-Nine

It’s a Friday, and the last one before finals week is in full swing.

Much to Kaylee and Shelby’s disappointment, Alyssa decides to forego Becky Hollins ‘See You Later High School’ bash at the end of the year in favour of studying.

With Emma.

The seniors were done and pretty much just whittling down the days until graduation, aiming to meet only attendance requirements and causing more of a disturbance than anything else, but the rest of the school still had exams.

She had mumbled a half-lie to her mother the day before about a study group meeting after classes, but that she would be home for dinner after going over topics for chemistry and civics because those exams were first up on Monday morning.

Last period dragged on but when the final bell rang, Alyssa had to force herself to slow down as she packed up her folder and her calculus book, making sure to leave her notes about Thursday’s exam shoved in the front carefully.

By the time she managed to make it to the other corner of the campus and back to her locker, having been stopped by Danny and Greg again and then two girls from the squad all asking if she was going to the party and believing the lie about her mother not letting her out because of their impending exams, most of the student population seemed to have cleared out.

Notes and text books in hand, Alyssa actually managed to beat Emma into Room 109 for a change.

It was odd being in there without her.

It felt like she was disturbing a sanctuary that she did not have permission to enter without its owner, eerily silent and still at the end of the school day without the usual random mix of notes coming from a guitar.

It only took a few minutes of waiting for Emma to show up looking tired, bag hanging precariously only the edge of her shoulder, balancing text books in one arm and a Styrofoam cup of coffee from the student lounge in her other hand. She caused that much of a ruckus trying to open and close the door that Alyssa was startled at the intrusion and had no choice but to giggle at the sight.

“Coffee a quarter after three in the afternoon? Am I that tiresome?”

It’s obvious by the look of surprise on Emma’s face that she wasn’t expecting Alyssa to beat her here either, and it took a few seconds for the shock to wear off and for her to comprehend what had just been said before she shuffles further into the room.

Emma chuckled a sigh, or sighed a chuckle, it was hard to tell. “Haven’t been sleeping well this week, so I needed all the caffeine I can get my hands on to make it through the day.”

“We don’t have to study if you’re too tired.” Alyssa felt a bit guilty, having practically begged Emma to help her study for their exams at the start of the week.

But Emma shakes her head with a smile. “Grams won’t be here until after five, so I may as well be productive. And, hey, at least I’ll have some good company to help keep me awake until I get home.”

“Are you sure? You do look tired, Em.” Alyssa could see that Emma’s eyes were almost hanging out of her head.

“It’s nothing caffeine, sugar and studying with a friend can’t fix.”

Emma unceremoniously dumps her books onto a chair, takes a big sip of her coffee before setting it down carefully and lets her bag slip from her shoulder to pull some cookies out of her bag that Alyssa politely declines when she’s offered. It itches at the back of her chest, guilt at the idea of having something other than the carrot sticks and full water bottle she has in her bag.

“Alright, where do you want to start?”

They start at opposite ends of a table that has left over sheet music strewn all over it.

An hour later, Emma is sitting shoulder to shoulder with Alyssa trying to explain her story to remember each part as she points out each step of gases turning to liquids.

Emma still looks tired but she’s smiling in a way that Alyssa hasn’t seen before.

Alyssa doesn’t mean to but she smiles back and leans a little closer.

When Emma’s phone vibrates across the table to let them know that Betsy is waiting for her in the parking lot, Alyssa surprises them both when she reaches out to hug Emma.

It’s warm and easy and she feels safe in the tight hug.

“Thank you for all your help. With _everything._ ”

Emma smiles sheepishly at her and for a moment Alyssa’s swears that she’s blushing.

“What are friend’s for?”

And then Emma is gone and there’s a fluttering in Alyssa’s stomach.


	30. Thirty

Finals week sucks.

Alyssa sees three freshman and two juniors all get taken to the nurse’s office as they have breakdowns.

She forces herself not to follow the same path, at least not at school.

It happens twice at home, and she has to force herself to wait until she’s alone in her room before she lets herself break. Emma is the only person who has ever seen it happen and the idea of having her mother see her crack adds more pressure to her shoulders to not let herself be a disappointment.

Emma messages her to remind her to breathe.

It helps, to a degree.


	31. Thirty-One

Her mother is happy but not entirely satisfied.

Alyssa doesn’t understand why.

She had passed all of her classes and her finals. She didn’t miss a day of school all year or a single practice for cheer, she was the only freshman that had made it onto the debate team, and took minutes for all of the Student Council meetings. She didn’t get detention, or suspended.

She didn’t miss a day of church and was always respectful with spoken to.

She was, for all intents, the perfect daughter all year.

But even with all of that, it wasn’t enough. An ‘A’ average wasn’t enough because she missed two questions on her history final. Not missing a day of cheer wasn’t enough because they only came third. Not missing a single debate team meeting or competition wasn’t enough because she never got called up to argue a point because she was an alternate.

It’s not like her mother ever actually said the words ‘I’m disappointed in you, Alyssa’.

It was more the tone of her voice when Alyssa handed her report card over after dinner once finals were finally over.

“Well, Superstar, it was a good year but now you know how much harder you have to work next year,” said her mother with a smile.

She figured that it was as close as she was going to get to ‘I’m proud of you’.

Alyssa was exhausted, and she had pushed herself to breaking point more than once because that’s what was expected of her. She had forced herself to be everything her mother wanted. But it wasn’t good enough and she would have to work even harder next year.

“Yes, mum.”


	32. Thirty-Two

Alyssa was tired.

This was another thing that didn’t impress her mother because for the first week Alyssa slept in past nine, went for a lazy run and then pottered around the house for the rest of the day.

She tried to make an effort, really she did.

Her room was tidied every day, the kitchen was clean and she made sure to start on dinner at the very least. She even made brownies for the post-church lunch.

Messages came in intervals from her friends, wanting to see movies as a group or have sleepovers at someone’s house. Alyssa knew she would have to get into those activities to spend time with her friends before she left for Bible Camp second week of July.

It was less than satisfying when she found out that Emma was staying on her grandmother’s farm for the summer, this much she had told Alyssa in the few sporadic messages that had floated through as the holiday started.

Betsy Nolan’s farm was on the outskirts of town and unless they needed to venture in to get supplies or stock feed, it was unlikely that Alyssa was going to get the chance to see Emma this side of sophomore year starting.

But as the summer got started, it didn’t stop Emma from sending photos of the two horses they had on the farm and the cows, or the cookies her grandmother had baked, or the view from the top of the windmill in the back paddock that both amazed Alyssa and terrified her at the same time (heights were not her best friend).

And it didn’t stop Alyssa from replying with photos from the day at the lake, or the two days a week of summer internship she had to do at her mothers work, or the tumbling practices on the school football field in the sun for cheer. For a few weeks at least it becomes a regular thing for Alyssa to wake up to a message from Emma or for conversations to span hours and to cover a variety of topics.

Alyssa likes Shelby and Kaylee, she does. There’s just something about the shallowness of their conversation topics that frustrates her. It always seems to revolve around boys, how hot they look, boys, cheerleading, boys, complaining about school or Emma, and boys. As much as she enjoys spending time with them, there was no way that Alyssa would willingly share her deepest fears with them, or her worries, or her anxieties.

Those were only things she felt comfortable sharing with the only person she let see her break. Something about Emma made her feel safe and at ease and it still confused her.

It became those thoughts that distracted her quite a bit now that classes were over and she didn’t have to actively have other things to think about. It got her into trouble a few times, especially during group hang outs.

Shelby’s house had become _the spot_ for hangouts because she was the one with the pool which was perfect for sunbathing and she had the bigger TV which was perfect for movie nights. The air conditioning had been on for most of the day, leaving Alyssa actually needing the throw rug from the back of the couch, and the three of them were spread out watching some romantic comedy.

There was a current obsession with Channing Tatum that Alyssa didn’t really understand. Sure, he was kind of cute but Amanda Seyfried was pretty.

“What I wouldn’t give to be in her shoes!” mutters Kaylee.

Alyssa hums non-committedly, not really paying attention as Shelby starts asking about Nick and whether or not he kisses her like that. She had been taught to think before she spoke, to stay quiet unless she had something to worthwhile to contribute.

In her mind, the first response was automatic and she didn’t even think twice before the thought rolled through her head.

_What I wouldn’t give to be in his shoes._

And then she froze half a second later as she realised that had gone through her mind, not at all taking in that Kaylee was explaining about Nick being more enthusiastic than he was graceful with his kissing tactics.

It wasn’t until a couch cushion hit her in the side of the head and there was a comment about her acting weird.

“Uhh, I’ve been feeling funny for a few days. It must the heat.” It was a few seconds before she moved. “I think I’m going to go home for a nap.”

And before either of her friends could say anything, she had dumped the throw back onto the couch, grabbed her phone and made for the door, ignoring the open-mouthed looks she was getting.

It only took Alyssa fifteen minutes to get home in the mid-afternoon sun heat of late June. By the time she let herself into the house, grateful that her mother wasn’t home from work yet, her head was pounding and her world was partially spinning and Alyssa had a feeling it wasn’t from dehydration.

She was quiet through dinner and her mother didn’t question it because she was explaining all about the Hudson’s over on Elmtree Drive and their unrealistic expectations for a new house.

Alyssa had to be up seven to spend the next day answering phones for her mother and doing menial, unpaid tasks for eight hours, but that didn’t stop her from being unable to get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

She spent the first two hours tossing and turning.

And then the next two hours questioning every thought she had ever had about another girl and comparing it to every thought she had ever had about a boy.

And then the next two after that questioning wondering what the heck it all meant.

The last thing she thought of, as she started to doze off with a headache, was a promise to herself that she wasn’t ever going to tell another living soul about these thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Legit did not think it would get to be this big and be nowhere near finished, but now we are getting somewhere.
> 
> As a side note, the story as a whole is a little bit canon-divergent. Still same musical storyline down the track, just that that part takes place earlier in junior year rather than in senior year which is when I think the musical is set to.
> 
> Thanks for all the reads and comments and kudos guys!


	33. Thirty-Three

One afternoon, a few days later, when her mother was at work and all of her chores were done and there were no plans to hang out with anyone this side of the usual Fourth of July celebrations, Alyssa settled herself at her desk with her laptop and her post-run smoothie.

She was on a mission to figure it out these thoughts and google was her friend. If it wasn’t, she was going to make it her best friend.

With her smoothie forgotten, Alyssa opens her laptop and starts googling. The first thing that jumped into her mind were the rumours she had heard about Emma, that _she liked girls._ Down the rabbit hole she goes, using Emma as her starting point. She feels a bit guilty at using her friend like that but she didn’t know where else to begin.

Even in her mind and talking about someone else, Alyssa didn’t feel like she could say it too loudly. She may have told herself that it didn’t bother her because it wasn’t her business whether or not Emma liked girls. But now that she had been thrown for a loop at Shelby’s with a silent comment in her own mind that had come from left field it was all a bit too much.

When she types in ‘how do I know if I like girls?’, her search results start with what it means to be gay, of girls liking girls, and boys liking boys.

There’s such an overload of information that Alyssa almost feels the need to take notes. But she’s not stupid enough to do that and leave it lying around in her room for her mother to find. She remembers the comments made at Thanksgiving and makes the choice to try and commit it to memory instead.

Alyssa reads on with a sense of curiosity that leaves behind a feeling of dread in her stomach, taking in definitions of gay and lesbian and bisexual and transgender and learning about the community. Some things make more sense than others, and some words and explanations giving off a feeling of familiarity. Despite the familiarity, there’s a part of her that is standoffish and reluctant to associate herself with any of these new identifying terms yet.

But the anxiety floating through her drags along a level of rebellious excitement when she opens a page detailing ‘signs you might be a lesbian’ and things start to click into place. She can hear the blood starting to rush in her ears as each point that is made leaves a heightened level of understanding.

It isn’t until she spends ten minutes debating over completing the quiz she finds at the bottom of the page that Alyssa realises she’s shaking and her smoothie is leaving condensation marks across her desk. With every question she answers, there’s a part of her that can’t decide whether or not she wants to know the answer but being the student that she is she carefully takes her time because this isn’t something she studied for.

_Q: Are you drawn to women in movies?_

Yes.

_Q: Do you feel anything when the opposite sex is affectionate towards you?_

No, a little uncomfortable maybe.

_Q: Have you ever found a person of the same-sex attractive?_

Yes.

_Q: Have you ever found a person of the opposite sex attractive?_

No.

_Q: Have you ever had a crush on a friend of the same-sex?_

Maybe (she didn’t really know, she had never had a crush that she knew of. But after she googled what it meant to have a crush, she changed her answer). Yes.

_Q: Have you ever had a crush on a friend of the opposite sex?_

Nope!

_Q: Have you ever been sexually attracted to a person of the same-sex?_

Well, no. But she had never really been sexually attracted to anyone. She was only fifteen.

_Q: Have you ever been sexually attracted to a person of the opposite sex?_

No, gross.

_Q: Have you ever felt different from your friends?_

Yes.

_Q: Do you feel like you have a secret you can’t tell anyone?_

Yes.

Alyssa spends another twenty minutes staring at the submit button, trying to decide if she really wants to know the answer to some stupid online quiz that she knows is nowhere close to being accurate. Surely it was a phase, but then she thinks about how she felt all year when the topic of boys came up or they gave her attention that left her feeling slightly uncomfortable and decides that she’s pretty sure that whatever this was, it wasn’t a phase. She contemplates going to church for confession on the chance it might rid her mind of impure thoughts but then decides against it because her mother would definitely find out and that wouldn’t solve this struggle she was having with herself, it would just get repressed.

Everything she has read has given her more and more belief that she is less like her friends and maybe more like Emma.

So Alyssa presses the button and watches the progress bar slowly add up to a hundred before tunnel vision sets in on the words standing out harshly from the background.

_You might be a lesbian._

Her world kind of shatters.

She should like boys, she should want to fall in love with a boy and one day marry him and one day have children with him and then grow old with him.

But when she let her mind wander without any restrictions to her future, it wasn’t a man she saw herself sharing these things with.

It was a woman.

And it terrified her.

Not because it made her a sinner and she was thinking impure thoughts and going to hell for it. That didn’t bother her that much at all.

It was more frightening because of how easy it felt and because she’s pretty sure her mother was likely to disown her if she ever found out Alyssa was even having these thoughts.

It was frightening because her friends would turn on her and she would end up at the bottom of the social food chain.

It was frightening because Emma had never confirmed or denied the rumours but she was still bullied relentlessly for the rumours.

The idea of actually thinking that she _might_ like girls make her shoulders itch and her back ache and she longs for that now worn paper bag sitting in her bedside table drawer.

She hears the door slam shut downstairs and her mother call out for her.

There was no way that she could ever tell anyone that she _thinks she likes girls._

Quickly, she deletes her search history and takes a sip of her smoothie as she rushes downstairs to greet her mother, feeling a little sick in her stomach.

There was no way that she, Alyssa Greene, the almost perfect Christian daughter of Helen Greene could be gay.


	34. Thirty-Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apology for the delay, there has been some family things going on this week.

It takes a few days of rolling it around in her head.

She researches lesbians and coming out stories and looks into the community a little more. She’s always careful to make sure to delete her browser history afterwards. There’s still a feeling that pools in her stomach every time she does this. She’s pretty sure it’s shame, but she can’t tell if it’s because of the thoughts she having or the actions she’s taking to hide it.

Slowly, it starts to seem a little less terrifying, the fact that Alyssa is getting more comfortable in identifying as _something_.

That there is something that she recognises and it makes sense.

Until her mother reminds her once they’re home, after she’s sun drunk and high on sugar she’s rarely allowed to have and sleepy from a long day celebrating Independence Day at the lake, that she still has to start packing for camp.

Alyssa’s stomach drops but she smiles happily as if she can’t wait.


	35. Thirty-Five

Alyssa makes sure to message all of her friends the night before she leaves, reminding them that she’s got camp and won’t have her phone.

She messages Emma at dinner time, knowing that she should be done with chores. She feels bad because she’s pretty sure she’s Emma’s only friend.

Emma reassures her that she’s got plenty to do on the farm while Alyssa is away, and she will speak to her when she’s re-entered the modern era again.

Alyssa smiles as she dozes off.


	36. Thirty-Six

Alyssa has never dreaded Saint Joseph’s Bible Camp as much as she did the summer before her sophomore year.

Not since her major revelation two weeks ago.

Four weeks, half of her summer break, spent at the southern end of the state. She’s closer to Kentucky than she is to Edgewater with no way to contact anyone in the outside world.

Four hours in a car with her mother on the Sunday following the regular Fourth of July cook outs for to get there by the registration check in time of three pm.

Alyssa didn’t have anything against religion, and she believed that she had been taught some good morals from listening to Pastor Michael’s sermons over the years. But the closer they got to camp, the more confined Alyssa started to feel.

Like she was being marched to her doom and was going to burst into flames the moment they drove through the camp gates or something, which did nothing but confuse her because she had generally enjoyed camp in the past.

Once she was registered and checked in, anything that was considered to go against camp rules and be identified as contraband was confiscated from campers and to be returned at the end of the summer.

This included Alyssa’s phone, and her one link back to her friends and to Emma.

Her mother smiled and gave her a quick hug and told her to behave herself and that she would be back in four weeks to pick her up. And then she was left standing there in the poor, dusty excuse for a parking lot having not burst into flames, watching as her mother drove the four hours back to Edgewater.


	37. Thirty-Seven

It wasn’t as bad as Alyssa thought it would be. 

But it also wasn’t as enjoyable as she remembers, especially now that she’s more self-aware.

There were age and gender appropriate activities scheduled throughout the week, and Alyssa got to go running around the lake and practice tumbling in free time before dinner (it gave her a way to process things instead of panicking about them to the point where she needed a paper bag).

Alyssa felt a little confined in her respectable church clothes as it began to drag on; she was mindful of everything she said for fear of letting something slip. Yeah, she was coming to terms with it in her own mind, but this was the last place she would want something to like _that_ to get out.

They had bible study group four times a week and attended sermons on Sundays with Pastor John. A lot of their discussions seemed to ironically be around sinning and the possible temptations of sinning that could be associated with it.

It was hard to miss the not-so subtle digs aimed at underage drinking and drug use and pornography and sex before marriage, but Alyssa, like several of the older kids, didn’t miss the more delicate comments directed towards experimentation and homosexuality.

They could purge themselves of impure thoughts in confession but if they actually participated in the activity, it would be a one way ticket into hell.

For most of her free time, she would run laps of the lake alone until they were called to the mess hall for meals. She never ran out of things to think about as she tried to come to terms with the idea of having both religious beliefs and being _a lesbian_ without having to compromise on either of them.

It brought her back to the conversation she had with Emma about being who you wanted to be and being willing to show the world, or to fake it till she made it.

There was no written law that said she had to tell everyone that she’s pretty sure she likes girls now that she’s knows, right?

So three days before camp was scheduled to finish and her mother had to drive another four hours down to pick her up before driving another four hours back to Edgewater, Alyssa promised herself that she wouldn’t tell another soul her secret.

At least not while she was still stuck in Edgewater, Indiana.


	38. Thirty-Eight

The first day of sophomore classes at James Madison High School brought a lot of new topics to Alyssa’s attention.

Firstly, the classes are supposed to be a lot more weighted with homework (she made sure to pack her lunch in a paper bag and to use her planner properly).

Secondly, the concept of cursing seemed to have spread like wildfire over the summer and was the new exciting thing her classmates were doing. It seemed ridiculous to Alyssa because you could have a perfectly normal conversation without the need to fill your sentences with swear words.

Thirdly, everyone knew about Emma and it was the hot topic of conversations between classes and behind teacher’s backs.

Alyssa heard several comments made but didn’t really think twice; she had heard them before and she had decided that unless it came from Emma herself, she didn’t really care for the gossip.

But then the first thing to come out of Kaylee’s mouth at lunch when they finally managed to catch up was, “Did you hear about Emma Nolan? She’s a fucking dyke, her parent’s kicked her out!”

“What?” Alyssa was confused. She had only been back in Edgewater for four days and Emma hadn’t answered her messages since Pastor Ed had given her her phone back with a dead battery (it had taken an hour for the battery to charge enough in the car for her to get a steady stream of dings indicating all of the messages she missed in the group chat that generally focused on cheerleading and not wanting to go back to school, and a few stray photos from Emma of the farm, all of which took the rest of the drive back to properly catch up on and reply too). “When?”

“Probably just after you left. Shelby’s parents heard the whole thing. Apparently there was a massive argument that everyone could hear, wasn’t there Shel?”

Alyssa thinks Kaylee looks a little too smug as she tells the story and then Shelby jumps in and there’s a little too much excitement written on her face.

“Yeah, he was yelling at her when she walked out of the house. ‘I won’t have a sinning homo in my house’ or something. She just started walking down the street with like four bags of stuff.”

There’s panic starting to bubble in Alyssa’s stomach, hoping that Emma was okay and that she was around and things clicking into place about why she hadn’t answered any of her messages.

“No way. So those rumours were true?” She doesn’t want to gossip, but the girls are expecting her to participate and she feels bad.

“Yeah they were! She didn’t try and jump you last year when you were chem partners, did she?”

“I don’t think it works like that. She was nice, she helped me pass chem, that was it.” There was no way in heck that Alyssa was going to mention the regular catch ups after practice in Room 109, or the fact that up until Bible Camp and Pastor Ed taking phones because they were temptation for sin, she messaged pretty regularly with Emma.

Alyssa starts to lose her appetite when they start to criticise Emma, making claims that she was definitely staring at them when they got changed for gym last year.

It pained Alyssa to have to make it through gym and biology and history and the clocks seemed to moving at half speed. As the day ticked over, she seemed to be getting more nervous and anxious, tapping her pen through Mr Riley’s speech about the Spanish Inquisition.

Once the bell rang and the students made beelines for the door, Alyssa yelled over her shoulder, “My mum wants me home after classes. See you tomorrow!” and she didn’t look back for a response.

Room 109 was nowhere near the history classrooms and Alyssa was definitely out of breath by the time she made it there.

It was Wednesday.

Alyssa had only ever seen Emma here on Friday’s.

But after getting a drink and going to the bathroom to waste time, and to let the freshmen move on and to give Emma the chance to get there, Alyssa let herself into the room.

The first thing that stood out was that there was no strum of the guitar. It was odd to walk into the classroom to not see Emma sitting right there and to not hear the strings of the guitar.

It was empty, and a little dark, and a little dusty. There was enough light coming in from the high windows that you probably didn’t need to have the lights on but it took Alyssa a second to notice a figure huddled up in the corner against the cabinet on the far wall. As she moved across the room, she realised that it was Emma who was sitting there with her headphones jammed into her ears and a book under her nose which Alyssa recognises as their first novel for English.

No wonder she hadn’t heard Alyssa come in.

And no wonder she jumps when she looks up as she turns the page to spot Alyssa standing there smiling sheepishly and waving at her. Alyssa feels as awkward as she thinks Emma does.

Slowly, an earbud gets pulled from her ear. “Have you come to make fun of the resident homeless lesbian?”

Emma is quiet and defensive and if what Kaylee and Shelby said is true, she’s not sure that she blames her.

Alyssa shakes her head and puts her bag down to sit opposite Emma, far enough away that she doesn’t feel crowded because she was obviously hiding for a reason and thinks about her words carefully.

“It was the first thing Kaylee mentioned at lunch,” she starts, but it only takes a second before she just starts talking. “You hadn’t answered any of my texts that I sent since I got home, and then she mentioned it, and I guess I wanted to make sure that you were okay if it was true.”

Emma stares at her and the silence is kind of deafening so she keeps talking.

“Emma, I don’t really care. Well, no, I do care if you got kicked out because you’re my friend and I wanted to make sure that you were okay. But if the rest is true too, I don’t care about that,” Alyssa shrugs. “You’re just Emma to me.”

It takes a few more minutes of Emma staring at her and Alyssa is starting to get nervous. She still can’t see Emma very clearly. She’s tempted to either keep talking or to leave Emma in peace and let her come to her when she’s ready.

“Not a prank?”

Alyssa smiles. “No, not a prank. Promise.”

And when Emma shuffles forward into the light, Alyssa swears her heart breaks and her poker face fails. She’s wearing new glasses, but beneath them across her right eye is a fading bruise with tinges of green and pale yellow.

“Can I hug you?”

Emma still looks nervous and cautious but she nods anyway, and lets Alyssa carefully fold her into a hug. It takes a second before she returns the hug and Alyssa has a suspicion that she isn’t one to have been hugged many times in her life.

So Alyssa doesn’t let go for a while.


	39. Thirty-Nine

Alyssa is still lost in her thoughts by the time she finally manages to get home from school.

Her mother believes the white lie about why she was late, that she was catching up on what she missed over the four weeks while she was gone and planning for cheerleading tryouts.

It wasn’t entirely untrue, but it had been through a tearful catch up rather than a gossip session.

Emma was gay.

She had been outed to her parents because they had gone through her room with their suspicions and found some ‘homosexual paraphernalia’ (it was a very small rainbow flag, hidden at the bottom of a bedside drawer), and following a rather heated verbal and apparently physical confrontation when she had gone home to collect a few things to take back to the farm, they had unceremoniously kicked her out.

Permanently.

Her phone had been thrown across the room and smashed during the argument.

Her glasses had been broken and she had been gifted with a black eye, courtesy of her father.

Her bags had been packed with all of her belongings and dumped at the bottom of the stairs, courtesy of her mother.

Emma was now living with her grandmother on the outskirts of town and had to wait until four most days to be picked up from school, except on Fridays which hadn’t changed from being the weekly stock feed run.

Alyssa was glad that Emma had her grandmother, who apparently didn’t give a rats behind about Emma being gay and was more concerned with the storyline of the Golden Girls.

Alyssa was also glad that she had Emma’s new number.


	40. Forty

Friday night dinner was an interesting meal to say in the least.

Alyssa was asked about her first few days back at school, what she thought about her new classes, and what the gossip was with her friends.

Her classes were okay, except the homework had started already and she had to read most of The Winter of Our Discontent by Tuesday.

She was in almost all advanced classes so the content was already a bit harder.

There was no real gossip for her friends other than cheerleading started, but student council and debate wouldn’t for another two weeks once elections and tryouts had been held.

Alyssa was hoping that she was showing enough enthusiasm to keep her mother happy, but not enough to make it seem like she didn’t already have enough to do.

“Just make sure you keep the grades up, Superstar.”

Alyssa nodded, knowing that anything less than her standard last year would not be acceptable.

“Oh, and stay away from the Nolan girl.”

“Emma? Why?”

“Her parents came to church the Sunday after you went to camp. Apparently their daughter is a sinner and is no longer living with them. They wanted support from the church.”

“How is she a sinner?”

Alyssa was starting to get tense across her shoulders. Not two days had passed since she had heard the details of the mid-afternoon argument that had left Emma bruised and homeless.

“She’s a homosexual. I don’t want you socialising with her.”

“She was my lab partner in chemistry last year. She’s the only reason I passed.”

“Excuse me?” Helen Greene was not impressed at this news, and Alyssa knew this expression on her mother’s face very well.

She spoke clearly but quietly, “I would have failed chemistry if she hadn’t helped me during study hall.”

“I will get you a tutor if I have to, but I do not want you socialising with her at all.”

“She’s the smartest in our class at science.”

“Alyssa Louise Greene, I do not want you socialising with this girl. I do not want her sinful ways to be a temptation or a distraction for you. I don’t want her influencing you. Do you understand?”

Alyssa’s gaze dropped to the green beans (her mortal enemy) still left on her plate and she chewed her lip.

“Yes mum.”


	41. Forty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys. It has been a shit month that has involved a death in the family, two rounds of night shift and moving an entire house. Hopefully now I can get back to updating more regularly.

After dinner, Alyssa changes Emma’s name in her phone.

She wouldn’t put it passed her mother to go through it if she had even a slight inclination that Alyssa might speak to her.

And then she messages Emma straight after that and spends half an hour talking about their summers.


	42. Forty-Two

They don’t have Mrs Rogers this semester for Chemistry.

They have Mr Flowers, who is as exuberant as his name and his bright paisley shirt might suggest.

When Alyssa finally manages to walk into class, her final one of a Tuesday afternoon, running a little late because she had to get changed after gym, she isn’t surprised when the last open seat left is the one right next to Emma right at the back of the room.

There’s an apologetic shrug from her friends but she knows it’s not sincere and Danny pipes up from the table behind them as she walks passed, trying hard to not let herself appear too happy at the idea.

“Alyssa, you can share with us. We can make room so you don’t have to share with that freak.”

He’s grinning like it’s a feasible option, even though the desks were deliberately built for two people, and starts shuffling his things towards the middle of the table.

“I actually want to pass chemistry, you doofus,” she throws out, “even if it means I have to spend the entire semester sitting next to her.”

Emma isn’t paying attention when Alyssa sits down. Or at least it doesn’t look like she is.

Alyssa knows that her words weren’t exactly a strong defence against Danny’s insult but in a weird way, she’s selfishly kind of glad no one wants to sit next to Emma because it means that the seat next to her will always be open.

A small bang goes off at the front of the class and Mr Flowers pops up from behind his desk in a puff of smoke.

“Congratulations! Meet your lab partners for the year! Now, please don’t blow anything up unless it is a part of the lesson.” There’s a pointed look in her direction.

Emma practically snorts under her breath, looking away from her and trying not to make it too obvious that she’s laughing. Alyssa feels her face flush and flicks Emma in the thigh under the table.

“First up! Pop quiz!”


End file.
